I say, I say, I say...

Hello dear blogger, I hope this Sunday finds you well. I thought it was time for a giggle today to lighten the mood a little. Thanks to Ged for some of these bits of philosophy and stories, and good luck to fellow blogger and friend Middle-aged-gapper who is running his 10k race today in Beverley, East Yorkshire.

The hall is booked; the orchestra's engaged; it's time to exercise those chuckle muscles...

I saw in the papers this morning that a dwarf had had been a victim of pick-pocketing. How could anyone stoop so low?

A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that she caught him playing at doctors and nurses with her eight year old daughter, Mary. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them, they're bound to be curious about sex at this age."
"Curious about sex?" Mary's mother replied, "He's taken her appendix out!"

I've sure grown old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes as well as being half blind. I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine and I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I occasionally have bouts with dementia and have such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 89 or 98 and all my friends are dead.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's licence.

A priest was driving into town and got stopped for speeding. The officer smelt alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The officer said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He 's done it again!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrived to give him a partial bed bath.
"Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
Exhausted, he struggled to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers. She carefully examined his testicles, lifting and moving them around. Eventually she said, "There's nothing wrong with them."
With some effort, the patient pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Men & Women

The difference between men and women (not the biological difference necessarily) are some of my favourite opportunities for humour:

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, ilnesses and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

And finally...

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask her for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

Chat soon,

Ta-ra.

Have you heard the one about...

Dear friends, the weekend is here again and most of us in central and Eastern England will see a little more sun before showers arrive during Saturday. What a fabulous week only spoiled perhaps as it often is in the Eastern fringes of England by a breeze from the still chilly North Sea.

Yorkshireman One meets his friend one autumn day, "Did thee have a good summer Amos?"
Yorkshireman Two, "Aye lad, we had a picnic that afternoon."
Trad.

The picture above is the spectacular Dicentra Spectabilis, or 'bleeding heart' (click on the picture to enlarge it). I planted this about twelve years ago just after we moved to this house and it was a sickly little thing and in September in the first year it looked as if it died completely. But year after year with no care other than a bit of weeding around the base, it starts to shoot in March with tiny weak leaves from the ground and by mid April, it is a magnificent bush of tender red hearts with tiny white tips which indeed looks like a bleeding heart. Even before the first frost in Autumn, it is a shadow of its former self and it dies back to ground level to snooze and slumber until spring arrives once more.

I was told a non-PC (politically correct) joke today which was neither sexist nor racist, but not for polite conversation and frankly it was funny and tickled my sense of humour. We are frightened aren't we of being risque these days because no-one, certainly in the work place, knows where the boundaries truly are. Sexism and racism are clearly unacceptable in any form during our daily lives so those boundaries are straight forward. Other jokes that are cruel about individuals or a disability for example are cringing and to be avoided as being nasty and wholly unnecessary.

But we do laugh at the banana skin joke don't we, someone falls and hurts themselves and we have the urge to laugh out loud. Someone makes a fool of themselves and we giggle don't we and perhaps it's because it's relief it wasn't us; the TV programme You've Been Framed is a good example. Situational comedy - the ridiculous situation someone finds theselves in or the clever shaggy dog stories are what makes great jokes. Yet the late, great Dave Allen, born in Dublin before the second world war was a comedian who was able to laugh at his own race and its foibles and today we still laugh at the man's story-telling genius and his ability to spot the absurdities of his own religion (in his eyes) and weaknesses in his fellow man. But even he ironically was being PC when he always finished his shows with the phrase, "Goodnight, and may your God go with you." Did we laugh and was it acceptable because he was laughing at himself?



Why then when we see tapes of Charlie Williams, a mixed race Yorkshire comedian who died in 2006 telling jokes about his race and origins are we now uncomfortable even though the public at the time found it hilarious judging by the audience reaction? And yet when Bernard Manning told racist jokes we were and are rightly outraged. Difficult one to answer and if anyone can enlighten me, please feel free. I am offended by racist jokes in particular but perhaps audiences of the 1960s and 1970s were simply laughing because making fun of the colour of one's skin was part of ordinary life then and now we understand how hurtful, harmful and destructive it is.

I was driving to a garden centre recently with my parents looking for early bedding plants. As I drove along an isolated country road I spotted someone lying on the grass verge by the side of the road. I immediately stopped the car and not without a little trepidation approached the individual who I saw was shabbily dressed and clearly down on his luck.

However to my astonishment, I saw he was eating the grass on the verge. I asked if he was okay thinking he might be mentally ill and he looked at me mournfully and told me that he was destitute and had no money and hadn't eaten for some time and that he was hungry and saw no alternative but to eat the grass as a last resort. I went back to the car and got one of my cards out of the glove box and gave it to him and told him if he was so desperate he could come to my home and I would see him okay.

He was almost in tears, obviously very moved and clutched the card to his heart. He asked if he could bring his wife and family and I said, "Hang on pal, my lawn isn't that big!"

Have a great weekend! "May your God go with you."

Chat soon

Ta-ra.