Brass Monkey Weather & Today's List

Sun rise 20 December 2009 by RLS

In keeping with this bright crisp day (at 10.30 whilst writing this) it's minus 5 degrees and last nights snow is crisp and hardened by a cracking frost. There isn't a cloud in the sky and the atmosphere is great. I got up early, before dawn, had breakfast, took some pictures, cleared the car, filled one of my fish ponds which was very low on water, made sure the other one had a hole in it for the fish to breathe, crashed my pc, restored it and made two cups of tea - and they say men can't multi task (well to be honest of course, I only did one job at a time - but it sounded as if I was busy.)

Well its list time, it's ages since I've done one so here it is on one of my favourite themes, men and women. It's absolutely non PC but I really don't care because I'm taking the mickey out of poor, emotionally devoid, misunderstood, vulnerable weaker sex - men!

I take no credit for this list, it's from an e-mail circulation and it's been edited slightly to save blushes but here goes.

Men Are Just Happier People Because

Your last name stays put;
The garage is all yours;
Wedding plans take care of themselves;
You can never be pregnant;
Car mechanics tell you the truth;
The world is your urinal;
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt;
Same work, more pay Wrinkles and greying hair add character (certainly true in my case);
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them;
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet;
One mood all the time;
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat;
You know stuff about tanks and engines;
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase;
You can open all your own jars;
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness;
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack and lasts ten years;
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough;
You never have strap problems in public;
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes;
Everything on your face stays its original colour;
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades;
You only have to shave your face and neck;
You can play with toys all your life;
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons;
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look;
You can 'do' your nails with a pen knife;
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache;
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Snow 10.30 pm 19 December 2009 by RLS

Chat soon

Ta-ra

Love and Marriage, goes together like... erm...

I think I've read it all now. Somalian man Ahmed Muhamed Dore has decided to marry a woman from the same village as him, 17 year old Safia Abdulleh. Awwww ain't love grand; Well to be precise, great great grand because Mr Dore is 112 years old and dear little Safia is as old as his great-great-grand children.

His oldest child is 80 years old and he has 114 children, grandchildren etc., and is looking to have more kids. Having been married five times already, the BBC reported Mr Dore saying, "I didn't force her, but used my experience to convince her of my love; and then we agreed to marry." In a briefer, less lyrical response the bride issued a statement through her family which said the bride is "...happy with her new husband."

"Today God helped me realise my dream," Mr Dore said, after the wedding in the region of Galguduud, wrote the BBC. I bet he did!

It sort of makes you shiver thinking about it doesn't it?

This reminds me of another story recently, also reported on the Beeb: A 107-year-old Malaysian woman has said she wants to get married again, for the 23rd time, as she fears her husband wants to leave her, says a report. When Wook Kundor married four years ago to a man 70 years her junior their wedding photos made regional media. But now she fears her husband will not return home after completing treatment for drug addiction in Kuala Lumpur

Perhaps there's a clue there: drug addiction?

I thought we'd have a look at men and women again*, a recurring theme throughout this blog with a warning of a slightly adult theme, but then you were never that sensitive about such things were you?

Men

Men are like blenders - you need one, but you're not quite sure why;
Men are like cement - after getting laid, they take ages to get hard;
Men are like commercials - you can't believe anything they say;
Men are like horoscopes - they always tell you what to do and are almost always wrong;
Men are like snow storms - you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

Women

It's great to be a woman because...

You're not expected to know how cars work;
You can give 'the look' which makes any man cower in a corner;
You get gifts all the time because men mess up so often;
You don't have to understand the offside rule;
PMT is a legal defence to murder;
You wee sitting down, so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when drunk.

Chat soon

Ta-ra.
Thanks to Geoff Tibballs

What Every Woman Knows and Men Need to Learn

The season for late outdoor parties with Bonfire Night (Guy Fawkes night, Fireworks night etc...) is about to take place with the BBQs having their last outing of the year.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are generally put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food;
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert;
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand;
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery;
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat;

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN;

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table;
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes;

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts;
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Chat soon, have a great weekend!

Ta-ra!
(Thanks to Janet 'A' for her insight and her restraint)

What Men REALLY Mean...

While interpreting a woman’s meaning is difficult for men, I am sure that women have the same anguish occasionally. After yesterday’s ten puzzling comments from women, I’ve had a look at how us men puzzle women.

Man, "I'm getting more exercise lately." = The batteries in the remote are dead.

Man, "I do help around the house." = I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Man, "I missed you." = I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

Man, "I don't need to read the instructions." = I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Man, "That's women's work." = It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Man, “You’re the only girl I ever cared about.” = You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.

Man, “I like the way you’ve done your hair.” = I’m trying to impress you because for once, I’ve noticed.

Man, “How was your day?" = I have prepared myself for an hour of complaining. My nerves of steel will last as long as they can bear.

Man, “Yes dear I was listening.” = Please God don’t let her ask, “What did I just say?”

Man, “I am not lost, I know exactly where we are.” = we are lost, I have no idea where we are.

“Women have their faults,
Men have only two:
Everything they say
And everything they do.”
Traditional

Chat soon

Ta-ra