Hedgehog Day...

After a hectic day yesterday (Friday - on an extra day off) trying to catch yearling fish in my pond, it's nice to settle back into a weekend routine. I ended up getting some assistance from my youngest son and brother in law next door to try to catch fish in the pond that are about a year old with a view to putting them in the smaller pond. We ended up emptying the pond of plants to try to catch the little buggers (about an inch long and dark coloured) and we were still not totally successful. Messy, dirty and wet, but fun and rewarding, (where have I heard that before!)

I went out late last night after dark to check the pond lights and I bumped into a young hedgehog on the patio. I asked it to wait while I went for my camera and it obliged and was still there when I came back - and the above pic is the result.

We've had hedgehogs in the garden for years, some much much larger than last nights little thing and often in twos. We always know when they're about because they set the security lights off.

The photograph below is a small water lily I bought this spring and to put it into context, this is about the size of a 50 pence piece.

There are some very dramatic black clouds drifting by from west to east this afternoon and although we've had an odd short shower, no much-needed rain has arrived. Still, it's warm and pleasant and nice to wander about without a coat on.

A bit of atmosphere would be good - I have a paranormal investigation tonight.

Regular readers know I like a bit of fun with the sexes ( I don't discriminate - I take the mickey equally out of men and women) and today I thought I'd have a go at what women say and what they actually mean.

"Do what you want." MEANS "You'll pay for this later."
"Do you love me?" MEANS "I'm going to ask for something very expensive."
"We need to talk." MEANS "I'm going to witter at you."
"This kitchen floor is so hard to clean." MEANS "I want a new house."
"Can we just be friends?" MEANS "I'm never going to let any part of your body ever touch mine."
"It's not you, it's me." MEANS "It's you."
"I just need some space." MEANS "Without you in it."
"We're moving too quickly." MEANS "I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out whether or not the dishy guy at the gym has a girlfriend."
"Hang the picture here." MEANS "Hang the picture there."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." MEANS "I think I'm putting on weight."

Chat soon

Ta-ra

Love and Marriage, goes together like... erm...

I think I've read it all now. Somalian man Ahmed Muhamed Dore has decided to marry a woman from the same village as him, 17 year old Safia Abdulleh. Awwww ain't love grand; Well to be precise, great great grand because Mr Dore is 112 years old and dear little Safia is as old as his great-great-grand children.

His oldest child is 80 years old and he has 114 children, grandchildren etc., and is looking to have more kids. Having been married five times already, the BBC reported Mr Dore saying, "I didn't force her, but used my experience to convince her of my love; and then we agreed to marry." In a briefer, less lyrical response the bride issued a statement through her family which said the bride is "...happy with her new husband."

"Today God helped me realise my dream," Mr Dore said, after the wedding in the region of Galguduud, wrote the BBC. I bet he did!

It sort of makes you shiver thinking about it doesn't it?

This reminds me of another story recently, also reported on the Beeb: A 107-year-old Malaysian woman has said she wants to get married again, for the 23rd time, as she fears her husband wants to leave her, says a report. When Wook Kundor married four years ago to a man 70 years her junior their wedding photos made regional media. But now she fears her husband will not return home after completing treatment for drug addiction in Kuala Lumpur

Perhaps there's a clue there: drug addiction?

I thought we'd have a look at men and women again*, a recurring theme throughout this blog with a warning of a slightly adult theme, but then you were never that sensitive about such things were you?

Men

Men are like blenders - you need one, but you're not quite sure why;
Men are like cement - after getting laid, they take ages to get hard;
Men are like commercials - you can't believe anything they say;
Men are like horoscopes - they always tell you what to do and are almost always wrong;
Men are like snow storms - you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.

Women

It's great to be a woman because...

You're not expected to know how cars work;
You can give 'the look' which makes any man cower in a corner;
You get gifts all the time because men mess up so often;
You don't have to understand the offside rule;
PMT is a legal defence to murder;
You wee sitting down, so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when drunk.

Chat soon

Ta-ra.
Thanks to Geoff Tibballs

What Every Woman Knows and Men Need to Learn

The season for late outdoor parties with Bonfire Night (Guy Fawkes night, Fireworks night etc...) is about to take place with the BBQs having their last outing of the year.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are generally put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food;
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert;
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand;
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery;
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat;

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN;

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table;
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes;

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts;
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Chat soon, have a great weekend!

Ta-ra!
(Thanks to Janet 'A' for her insight and her restraint)

Lancashire Wassock

Us Yorkshire folk have never thanked the Lancastrian folk for a great deal but today I heard the term 'wassock' used on the radio (and it wasn't a term of endearment) and I think it's a great word which originates from Lancashire, so begrudgingly, thanks to the dark side from west of the Pennines. Wassock is pronounced wazzock with emphasis on the 'zz' rather than the 's' sound and in simple terms it refers to a gullible fool, or a village idiot, with elements of pomposity. So its not just that someone is daft - its means that they are pompous too - they have a sense of excessive self-esteem or exaggerated dignity.

There's been a debate on the radio recently about how to address a woman - Mrs (Mesdames) Miss (Mistress) or Ms. It seems that the feminist lobby are up in arms about it because it's pigeon holing someone to be called Mrs or Miss. Ms is neutral as it were and of course us guys are different, we are Mr (Mister) no matter what our age, social or marital status is, so of course we are treating women differently. My wife on the other hand, a married woman (what else?) hates to be called Ms and she tears up any correspondence addressing her as Ms without even opening it. She is comfortable with being pigeon-holed.

What we call people is important though and we should of course be considerate. But being considerate and calling someone Miss or Mrs by mistake isn't being disrespectful at all, it's just society is confused about helping us say the right thing. I'm sure other languages are much more simple. In modern German speak, Frau is given to adult women while Fraulein is the address for a younger girl - seems like a solution to me.

Being a letter writer, I hate receiving a letter from someone who doesn't give their 'title', particularly women. When receiving a letter from someone you've never met and about who you know nothing when all she signs herself is 'Sarah Jones' presents me with a dilemma: How do I respond? Dear Miss Jones, Dear Mrs Jones or the neutral Dear Ms Jones? Either way, you have a 66% chance of really cheesing her off. Dear Sarah seems too personal to me and rather presumptive that calling her by her first name is acceptable.

And today's story: A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name."

Chat soon

Ta-ra!

What Men REALLY Mean...

While interpreting a woman’s meaning is difficult for men, I am sure that women have the same anguish occasionally. After yesterday’s ten puzzling comments from women, I’ve had a look at how us men puzzle women.

Man, "I'm getting more exercise lately." = The batteries in the remote are dead.

Man, "I do help around the house." = I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Man, "I missed you." = I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

Man, "I don't need to read the instructions." = I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Man, "That's women's work." = It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Man, “You’re the only girl I ever cared about.” = You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.

Man, “I like the way you’ve done your hair.” = I’m trying to impress you because for once, I’ve noticed.

Man, “How was your day?" = I have prepared myself for an hour of complaining. My nerves of steel will last as long as they can bear.

Man, “Yes dear I was listening.” = Please God don’t let her ask, “What did I just say?”

Man, “I am not lost, I know exactly where we are.” = we are lost, I have no idea where we are.

“Women have their faults,
Men have only two:
Everything they say
And everything they do.”
Traditional

Chat soon

Ta-ra

What Women REALLY Mean...

If you’ve ever done a language course, like French for example, you can go to France and although you may recognise odd words or catch the occasional phrase, it’s wise to think about having a phrase book or an interpreter; the same can be said about the language of the female gender of our species, so here’s some phrases women use and their real meaning – some are from my experiences, some from others.

Wife, “I’ve been thinking…” = This is going to cost you a fortune.

Husband, “Where are the new dishcloths?”
Wife, “Just wait ‘till I’ve finished doing what I’m doing and I’ll get them for you.” = For God’s sake do I have to do everything in this house, it’s like looking after a five year old child?

Husband, “I know you’re busy, just tell me where they are and I’ll get them.”
Wife, “Just wait, I’ll be one minute.” = I don’t want you rummaging in all the cupboards and making a mess, in any case I’m not sure where they are but don’t want to admit it.

Woman, “I don’t want to talk about it.” = Oh yes I do, go on I dare you – ask, I’m ready with all guns primed.

Woman, “I’m fine, really I am.” = No I’m not.

Woman, “Honest, there’s nothing wrong.” = Please ask me because it will give me an excuse to chop your balls off.

Woman, “Thanks a lot.” = I am really cheesed off with you, but don’t ask if anything is wrong because I shall say “nothing,” and keep you guessing.

Woman, “We need to talk.” = I want to complain.

Woman, “You need to learn to communicate.” = Listen to what I tell you and just do it.

Wife, “What do you think?” = I’ve already made my mind up – just agree for goodness sake.

So as not to be considered sexist in any way shape or form, tomorrow, I shall be listing what men really mean.

"Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.” Arnold H Glasgow.

Chat soon

Ta-ra