What do you get if...

I hope the week is treating you well and by the time you read this I hope that I've won the triple Lottery rollover of £17,000,000. I will accept begging letters if I win to light my chiminea. How would you spend that sort of lolly - I bet I could make a lot of people happy?

I was given the Yorkshire Ridings Magazine the other day which had a section in it where you can submit a ghost story for a competition. Regular blog readers will perhaps remember I've published five on here over the last year and a bit, so I've decided to edit them properly, cut them down by a couple of hundred words each and submit them. Top prize for a published story? £200.

We've got a block paved drive at the front to replace a bit of a tatty garden in what is quite an awkward triangular shaped front garden. It's a lot easier to maintain except to say - and here's a word of warning if you intend to get one, you do get loads of weeds growing in the cracks between the bricks. Now, with a bit of effort, it takes an hour or so a couple of times a year just to go round with a sharp knife and scrape the weeds and a bit of moss. No problem.

Except my wife, who volunteers to do it as a cathartic exercise has now ruined two perfectly good gardening knives which I used to use for general gardening chores. One of the knives was a bone handled old thing which I've had since I was a teenager. That four inch blade is now worn to a one inch blunt piece of metal. The pruning knife which I bought a couple of years ago, nice and sharp with a flat end so you don't stab yourself with it - ruined.

One of these catalogues that has everything for the home and garden has come through the door today and for the princely sum of £12.95 (not including postage and packing no doubt) there's a long handled patio and path weeder. This comes with a free border weeder knife and a hand held weeder knife. For that amount of cash, it ain't going to be brilliant so prizes for guessing how long that will last. Three more implements she can ruin.

Whatever happened to spring? The days are longer but there are still frosts and there's cloud most of the day and in the breeze, it's bloody freezing.

I do try to be politically correct as you know (ahem), but I thought I'd try some riddles on you - some may not be pc, but hey!

What do you get if you cross a gorilla, a lion, an alligator and a parrot?
No idea, but if it talks, you listen!

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a zebra?
A four legged dinner with its own bar code.

What do you get if you cross the moon with a monk?
A nocturnal habit.

What do you get if you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.

What do you get if you cross a philosopher with a Mafia hit man?
You get an offer you can't understand.

Chat soon

Ta-ra
The picture is a chilly spring evening in a deserted Hornsea, East Yorkshire last week.