I discussed being politically correct the other day and whether it's right or wrong - I'm not convinced beyond some certain rules about sexism and racism, but doesn't it drive you crazy when you can't say what you really feel like saying to those around you who, frankly, are a sandwich short of a picnic.
So here's a list of things I'd love to say, but can't:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. Ah, I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
5. I don't know what you're problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
6. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
7. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
9. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your point of view.
10. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
11. You sound entirely reasonable... time to up my medication.
12. Some day, we'll look back at this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Other famous insults are not so subtle; here are some of my favourites:
"You're about as much use as as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking competition."
Rowan Atkinson as Blackadder
"It's like being savaged by a dead sheep."
Dennis Healey on Geoffrey Howe's debating skill, 1978.
"Her face could launch a thousand dredgers."
Jack de Manio, radio broadcaster about Glenda Jackson.
Lord Sandwich, "Sir, you will either die of the pox or upon the gallows."
John Wilkes, "Depending on whether or not I embrace your mistress or your principles."
Nancy Astor addressing Winston Churchill in Parliament, "Winston, you're drunk!"
Churchill, "I am madam, and you are ugly, but in the morning, I will be sober."
"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."
Feminist slogan 1970.
"I wouldn't say my mother in law was ugly, but when she went to the cinema to see a monster movie, the monsters picketed the cinema."
Hope you are enjoying the weekend.