It's silly day. I can't take anything too seriously today so I thought we'd have some fun to cheer ourselves up. By the way, there is no Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman joke! No analysis, no explanations, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the giggle muscle trainer...'
The World's Biggest Lies:
This will hurt me more than it'll hurt you.
Don't worry madam, we'll be with you first thing in the morning.
You don't need it in writing - you have my word.
Please tell me, I promise I won't get angry.
Of course I love you.
The cheque is in the post.
Size doesn't matter.
Don't worry he's never bitten anyone.
It'll be as good as new.
The defence solicitor said to his client, "I've got some bad news and good news. The bad news is that your DNA sample matches that found on the victim's dress."
"Oh no, I'm finished; what's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol's down to 3.2"
Doctor doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera...
Doctor: We'll just have to see what develops.
Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock...
Doctor: Try not to get wound up.
Doctor doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck in my ear...
Doctor: How's that?
Patient: Don't you start...
Doctor doctor, I have a serious memory problem...
Doctor: How long have you had this?
Patient: Had what?
Nurse: Doctor doctor, the Invisible Man is in the waiting room...
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
A White Horse went into a bar. The barman said, "We have a whiskey named after you."
"What?" The horse replied, "Eric?"
A few Collective Nouns:
A screech of mothers-in-law.
A mass of Catholics.
A galaxy of chocaholics.
A hug of teddy bears (awwwww).
A shortage of dwarfs.
A wave of surfers.
An attitude of teenagers.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Through a catalogue.
The REAL Dictionary (with just one or two letters missing):
Accountant - A man hired to tell you you didn't earn the money you did.
Bookmaker - A pickpocket who allows you to use your own hands.
Consultant - Someone who steals the watch off your wrist and charges you to tell you the time.
Divorce - The transition between duet and duel.
Experience - The name men give their mistakes.
Fisherman - A jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other end.
Gentleman - A man who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't.
Honesty - A fear of being caught.
Impotence - Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings?"
Jazz - Five men on a stage all playing a different tune.
Liar - A lawyer with a roving commission.
Marriage - A knot tied by a vicar, untied by a lawyer.
Negligent - The condition where you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Oblivion - Fame's dumping ground.
Philosopher - A person who confuses you sufficiently to make you believe he knows what he is talking about.
Raisin - A worried looking grape.
Show-off - A child more talented than your own.
Toothache - A pain that drives you to extraction.
Undertaker - The last bloke to let you down.
Vacuum cleaner - A broom with a stomach.
Wedding ring - The worlds smallest handcuffs.
Yawn - An honest opinion expressed openly.
What goes cluck, cluck, cluck, boom?
A chicken in a minefield.
Chat up Line Rejections:
Hey beautiful, what you doing tonight?
Sorry, I don't date outside of my species.
So how about you and I go away somewhere?
I couldn't, it would be like depriving the village of its idiot.
Wanna go back to my place?
I dunno, can two people fit under a stone?
Haven't we met before?
Probably, I'm a receptionist in an STD clinic.
Do you mind if I kiss you?
What am I, flypaper for freaks?
I really like you.
You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
And finally... This man had a parrot that was always swearing, even in front of visitors and nothing he did could stop the parrot using some really disgusting language. In the end, the man grabbed the parrot and said, "I'm going to put you in the freezer for an hour and I'm going to keep doing that until you've learned your lesson."
After an hour in the freezer, the shivering parrot came out meekly and said the the man, "Okay, I promise never to swear again. What the hell did that turkey do?"