What's in a Word?

I love words. I enjoy writing and don't do enough for leisure although I have started to write a book. I'm not trained and haven't done any courses for creative writing, so I'm not taking it too seriously - just for fun - a cathartic exercise like this blog?

Ernest Hemingway once said, "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in shock-proof shit-detector".

Spoonerisms, made more popular by the Two Ronnies and the first class script writing abilities of Ronnie Barker (Gerald Wiley) and others, are one of my favourite word play giggles. My mother recently stated while sorting out items for recycling, that she needed to go to the 'battle bonk'.

Tom Swifties can be fun too. Work it out without me explaining: 'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a machine gun,' said the patient repeatedly. 'I've gained over fifty pounds,' he remarked roundly. 'Welcome to the Teetotallers ball,' said the MC drily, and a clever one: 'That chicken has no beak' the farmer pronounced impeccably.

I am guilty as anyone of regular tautology: a waste of or redundant language. A good example is 'an absolute certainty;' if it's a certainty - it's absolute! Why use two words instead of one? Other examples are 'forward planning' - what else would it be? 'Free gift;' gifts are generally free. 'Past history;' yes it is - one or the other.

Cliches are my favourite and I can't say too many sentences without one, but what do they mean? Adding colour to verbal language is easy but annoying after a while; avoiding cliche in the written word is essential. Here's a few of my worst examples - sorry. 'At the end of the day,' 'Between the Devil and the deep blue sea,' 'Doom and gloom merchants,' 'Not to put too fine a point on it,' 'Tarred with the same brush,' 'To all intents and purposes,' and finally for now because there are too many to speak of, 'There but for the grace of God...' Avoid cliches like the plague (groan!)

I would imagine non UK people can find the English language complex. I know UK people find it complex! Even if you know what the word means, the context is different for different people. Take for example the British meal time and its associated nouns. An invitation to dinner from strangers could be disastrous - what time of the day do they mean? Some people eat Luncheon around 1 pm as the main meal while others eat dinner (sometimes called supper) at 7 - 8 pm. Others have dinner at midday and a main meal called tea at 6 pm with a light supper before bedtime. Others have a lunch snack before noon, dinner at midday, tea at 4 pm and supper during the evening. High tea, God forbid is a meat or fish dish served late afternoon. Thanks to the Sunday Times Wordpower book for this one.

Mother, "Bobby's teacher says he should get an encyclopedia."
Father, "Let him walk to school like I did."
Giles Brandreth, 1980.

Chat soon

Ta-ra.

Diet Tips Required...

I once asked my wife how I could lose 25 pounds of ugly fat. She replied far too quickly, "Chop your head off!" I was watching the BBC news yesterday and a report on obesity and as I am clinically obese and don't normally like to watch such programmes, I did take particular notice of one woman who had lost a lot of weight: she said, "You don't see many old fat people, they've usually gone by then." Hmmmmmm. I have asked my wife who has a little more time on her hands these days to consider planning for a diet again! Having reached the 'dangerous fifties' I have to take action.

"I went on a diet, stopped all drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two weeks!" Joe E Lewis

The problem I have is that when I am determined to do something I do it. That's fine, but the trouble with dieting is (years ago, I lost three and a half stone through dieting) once I've taken the weight off - keeping it off. A change of lifestyle is needed which is more problematic than it first seems. I don't know if you've ever noticed that it can be quite expensive to diet - reasearching and buying the right foods, organising and planning meals and then fitting them in.

Listen to the language: 'The problem is...' and 'The trouble with dieting is...' and '...more problematic...'

I am not talking myself out of doing it, honestly but my other half will have to take responsibility for us both, we both need to shed some weight. Before - it was just me on the diet so the family ate snacks clandestinely, had treats behind my back, openely ate packets of crisps etc. That will have to change, temptation must be removed! I heard on the radio the other day that they had brought out or are bringing out a new drug which when used alongside a diet can help shed pounds although it does have side effects the report said that was not approprate to talk about in polite conversation - what, what?

So what kind of diet? There are hundreds: some controvertial; some superficial that can be found in a woman's magazine for example; some advertised on the television but cost money to join and be monitored - I haven't got a clue. All my grandparents were thin at my age and I once put that down to a healthy wartime diet - in fact there could be nothing further than the truth - a wartime diet was horrendous. What made them thin in the war was hard work, worry about whether they or their loved onces would survive tomorrow and a simple but poor diet, particularly for those unable to grow their own vegetables for instance.

So I'll stick to the old diet regime that we had a few years back and for which my other half has kept the paperwork and see how it goes. I don't want to weigh myself to get some baseline data from which to work, but I'll bite the bullet and do it with my eyes closed.

I once got onto a speaking weigh scale at a local station; stood on the scale, put the money in and the machine said, with a sarcastic tone, "one at a time please!"

Chat soon

Ta-ra

What's in a Name?

My children's names are very straightforward, traditional and impossible to shorten. Those were the parameters that my wife and I set when searching for names. Names of ex girlfriends were definitely out as was anything obscure and high-profile biblical. I wonder what Sir Bob Geldof was thinking when he named his first born Fifi Trixiebelle Geldof. As if to snub his nose at his detractors he named his second born Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof; at least Peaches has the option of calling herself by the relatively normal names such as Michelle or Charlotte etc.

But then what's 'normal?' Indeed why should we rail at the choice of a parent for their child's name.

I suppose in the back of my mind was that I didn't want my kids to go through school life hell being bullied just because of a crazy name. Having said that my son went to school with a boy called Christopher Peter Bacon: Chris P Bacon?

I thought the BBC triumphed again with a bit of nonsense today in their news reporting with a list of names given to them from the researchers of parenting group TheBabyWebsite.com after trawling through online telephone records. There are some real classics, but this time is is not the outrageous but the wordplay between given name and surname, for example Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Stan Still.

Parents must have been either drunk, insensible to the possibilities or had a cruel sense of humour with which they have burdened their kids (although some apparently, like Rose Bush don't see it as a burden.)

Some real life UK examples were Pearl Button, Jo King, Barry Cade, Carrie Oakey, Priti Manek, Tim Burr, Hazel Nutt and Rose Bush. In America, they found Anna Prentice, Annette Curtain and Bill Board.

Trust the inimitable Samuel Goldwyn to come up with a classic Goldwynism: "Now why did you call your baby 'John'? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is called 'John'"

Chat soon

Ta-ra

"Lego is NOT for Posting in the Video Recorder Dear!"

At least there is some success in the UK economy with the toy-maker Lego reporting a 51% rise in UK sales today on BBC News. This has great memories for me because as a young child I had a biscuit box full of Lego pieces.

I can remember saving my pocket money for weeks and going to Barker's Toy Shop in Cottingham to buy a tiny box of red bricks 'eight dots' long. The long bricks gave stability! I played incessantly with Lego and I bought my kids loads of Lego when they were young, but the product had naturally changed over the years. Little figures are now available and all sorts of extras and add ons with moving pieces and flashing lights, themes such as pirates and witches. I remember a thrill at getting bricks that had wheels on which meant I could build cars!

Does anyone remember the boy's toy Johnny Seven? It was a multi-purpose gun type weapon which fired spring loaded plastic bullets and grenades and let me tell you my Action Men figures got a real raw deal being constantly bombarded the long length of our Victorian hallway. Me at one end protected by piles of coats and my action figures with their impotent plastic guns surrounded by a cardboard fort at the other end.

I loved books and drawing. As an only child living in a three storey Victorian house, I also enjoyed exploring although there was one room, as a child frightened me. The door was in the middle of a wall on the stairway between the first and top floor. What I didn't know was that it was the water tank room, but of course no-one ever told me and it was always locked with a key in the lock. What or who was being kept prisoner in there? I always ran past it, never dwelling anywhere near it.

Well today, our kids have their imagination stretched to the full by the variety of entertainment and intelligent toys and computer based stuff which they can interact with - perhaps parents have been able to abrogate a little of their responsibility to interact with their kids as they get older. Who knows.

"Anyone who can hate children and dogs can't be all that bad,"
WC Fields

Chat soon

Ta-ra

What Men REALLY Mean...

While interpreting a woman’s meaning is difficult for men, I am sure that women have the same anguish occasionally. After yesterday’s ten puzzling comments from women, I’ve had a look at how us men puzzle women.

Man, "I'm getting more exercise lately." = The batteries in the remote are dead.

Man, "I do help around the house." = I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Man, "I missed you." = I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

Man, "I don't need to read the instructions." = I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Man, "That's women's work." = It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Man, “You’re the only girl I ever cared about.” = You’re the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.

Man, “I like the way you’ve done your hair.” = I’m trying to impress you because for once, I’ve noticed.

Man, “How was your day?" = I have prepared myself for an hour of complaining. My nerves of steel will last as long as they can bear.

Man, “Yes dear I was listening.” = Please God don’t let her ask, “What did I just say?”

Man, “I am not lost, I know exactly where we are.” = we are lost, I have no idea where we are.

“Women have their faults,
Men have only two:
Everything they say
And everything they do.”
Traditional

Chat soon

Ta-ra

What Women REALLY Mean...

If you’ve ever done a language course, like French for example, you can go to France and although you may recognise odd words or catch the occasional phrase, it’s wise to think about having a phrase book or an interpreter; the same can be said about the language of the female gender of our species, so here’s some phrases women use and their real meaning – some are from my experiences, some from others.

Wife, “I’ve been thinking…” = This is going to cost you a fortune.

Husband, “Where are the new dishcloths?”
Wife, “Just wait ‘till I’ve finished doing what I’m doing and I’ll get them for you.” = For God’s sake do I have to do everything in this house, it’s like looking after a five year old child?

Husband, “I know you’re busy, just tell me where they are and I’ll get them.”
Wife, “Just wait, I’ll be one minute.” = I don’t want you rummaging in all the cupboards and making a mess, in any case I’m not sure where they are but don’t want to admit it.

Woman, “I don’t want to talk about it.” = Oh yes I do, go on I dare you – ask, I’m ready with all guns primed.

Woman, “I’m fine, really I am.” = No I’m not.

Woman, “Honest, there’s nothing wrong.” = Please ask me because it will give me an excuse to chop your balls off.

Woman, “Thanks a lot.” = I am really cheesed off with you, but don’t ask if anything is wrong because I shall say “nothing,” and keep you guessing.

Woman, “We need to talk.” = I want to complain.

Woman, “You need to learn to communicate.” = Listen to what I tell you and just do it.

Wife, “What do you think?” = I’ve already made my mind up – just agree for goodness sake.

So as not to be considered sexist in any way shape or form, tomorrow, I shall be listing what men really mean.

"Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.” Arnold H Glasgow.

Chat soon

Ta-ra

Ne'er cast a clout 'till May is out...

What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming!

Spring seems to be here and the birds are singing again. Although there is a warning of colder weather returning soon, going to work and going home in daylight makes all the difference. I noticed a neighbour’s garden has drifts of snowdrops in flower and with fewer frosts I actually had the window at work open these last two days.

I love the garden and I don’t really touch it at all after picking up the last of the leaves in mid December. Two months absence will be at an end next week when I have a few days off work and tidying up ready for the year ahead starts in earnest. The fish will be looking forward to a few bits of wheat germ based food after a winter of abstinence – something they can digest easily. I won’t clean the pond out just yet; they don’t like being disturbed too much when they are torpid. I’ve had the pond waterfall going all winter and that’s kept the water reasonably filtered and clear for them.

Sitting in the garden at dusk is magical this time of year. The air is generally still, the cloud formations are so attractive; the birdsong is clear and melodious and when it gets chilly, a hot cup of tea and a warm fire beckons.

The grass has survived well and I have some compost from a compost bin with last year’s green kitchen waste and clippings that need to be forked in around the borders. I will be pruning some shrubs and getting ready to sit out on a tidy patio.

This is the only real exercise I get and am thoroughly looking forward to it. I only wish I could afford Garden Force to come in and give me some ideas for a small patio for us to sit on in the middle of the garden.

Ne'er cast a clout 'till May is out... I can't give you a literal translation, but essential it means don't take a chance in taking any layers of clothes off until June arrives, because this country is famous for its last minute chilly spells as we get lulled into a false sense of security.

Chat soon

Ta-ra

Skeleton in the Cupboard

My grandmother often wondered if the family ever had any "skellington's in the cupboard?" She also used to use the names Thorningumbald and Witherunsea for the Holderness villages as well as 'cerstificate' if you ever needed a note from the doctor. Back to the 'skellington.' Ironically, when I started my family history research nearly 30 years ago, the only skeleton I ever found was in her cupboard, but I never had the heart to tell her while she was alive.

I don't need to say that life was tough in the 1920s after the great war and my grandmother's father had eight children. He died when the youngest was four months old. My grandmother told me when I was doing the research that she had been told by her mother he had been hit on the head in an accident on the docks and had died in hospital as a result. I looked all over for the accident record, articles in the paper etc etc, because I didn't know enough about him to start applying for birth or death certificates then - no access to family history on the web like there is now.

By sheer coincidence I went to the local council archive and lo! there was my great grandfather's death recorded in a dusty red leather bound volume and he had died outside of his home city. In fact the sad truth that had been kept from my grandmother is that he had died in an asylum from "softening of the brain" and he had gone into the asylum just three months before his death from the city workhouse. No accident on the docks - he wasn't even working - he was described as a 'pauper' - that was in 1925 post war Britain. A hunt for his death certificate which became easy after I had the information from the archives. Death was due to 'cerebral softening, contributory factor cerebral hemorrhage and dementia'. He was just 41 years of age.

If I meet someone with a mental illness today where it is obvious or a physical condition that renders that person unable to communicate clearly, I become very uncomfortable and nervous. Don't ask me why, I have no idea but I just can't shake it off - I feel a coward for not confronting it. And yet dementia of one sort or another is so prevalent in our society today. We spend money on anti smoking (quite rightly), campaigns on drink driving, excess alcohol, obesity, keeping your heart healthy and next to nothing on highlighting dementia and how to cope with it.

I am following John Suchet's story of him coping with his wife's Alzheimer's Disease in the news at the moment; he says he has gone from 'lover to carer.' Because of where he lives, he has the services of an Admiral Nurse from a group of specialist carers. He is luckier than most but that's nothing to do with his wealth, it's to do with his postcode and a more caring local authority.

I wish him and all carers who have to cope with looking after a loved one with a mental illness well. They have a difficult job which requires courage, patience, stamina and above all, love.

I struggle to find an appropriate one liner today because writing this has dampened my spirit a little, but I lighten the mood with a short sketch from Morecambe and Wise, 1979.

Morcambe, "My wife has a terrible memory."
Wise, "Has she?"
Morcambe, "Yes, she remembers everything!"

Chat soon

Ta-ra.

It's Just Not Cricket...

Cricket was the only game, as a young guy, I was ever any good at to a reasonably competent local level thanks to a dedicated teacher Brian Chubb who took his duties as sports teacher seriously including spending his time out of school getting kids to play sport. I played twice in goal for the school soccer team in goal (won one, drew one) and I broke the school shot putt record once.

"It's a funny sort of a month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you discover your wife left you in May." Dennis Norden, 1977.

Cricket however when I played is not the same as it is today. To be fair, professionally, it's much more of an athletes game now than it was although the skill levels are not much different - the pace is quicker. 20 - 20 cricket, one day internationals (ODIs), three day county games and five day tests starting on a Thursday and playing on the Sunday and the world cup are just some of the changes. This was all prompted by the outrageous (at the time) action by Kerry Packer who organised a highly paid rebel tour that stunned the establishment, and things were never the same again.

Imagine my mirth today to learn of the investigation into an alleged $8B investment fraud by Sir Allen Stanford (source BBC News online), the man who sponsored the controversial Cricket Super Series matches which took place in November, which England lost comprehensively to the Stanford Superstars, who netted $20m (£12.4m). I understand contracts for further tournaments have been suspended. Good.

That amount of money - similar to the obscene money paid to top flight professional footballers will bring down professional sport if we are not careful in the current climate.

I was saddened to hear of the retirement today of Richie Benault from commentating duties. The former Australian cricket captain has been commentating on cricket for 47 years and with some notable others, became the voice of the sport. The others were the late John Arlott, Brian Johnston (Jonners), and Benault's co-commentator for many years, the late Jim Laker who took an awe inspiring 19 wickets for England against Australia in 1956 in just one match at Old Trafford.

Listen to Jonners greatest moment here during a cricket commentary on BBC Radio 4 Test Match Special

Three spelling mistakes today :(

Chat soon

Ta-ra

'Another Glass of Port Please'

What's gout and have I got it?

I was sitting with some friends the other day and I got this piercing stabbing pain, albeit short lived in one of my big toes. Then I got another one under the sole of my foot, and both made me jump and wince. My good friend Linda turned to me nonchalantly and said, 'you've got gout - don't eat chicken,' then she turned back to her companion with whom she was having a conversation as if nothing had happened.

There I sat non-plussed being a generally healthy if overweight fifty something year old with a diagnosis of gout an never again be able to eat a favourite food. My imagination, as you can imagine ran amok and I envisaged this portly grey haired, red faced, old man in a velvet jacket sat with his foot wrapped in bandages like a mummy on a stool sipping port. Well I didn't have a velvet jacket and I don't like port except in minute quantities and only at Christmas with cheese and biscuits. I have the occasional sharp shooting pain in a toe or under my foot but nothing that I want to do anything about, but curiosity like the cat overcame me and I had to have a look at the t'internet to find out more.

Wikipedia, we all trust it right? says "Gout is characterized by excruciating, sudden, unexpected, burning pain, as well as swelling, redness, warmth, and stiffness in the affected joint. This occurs most commonly in men's toes but can appear in other parts of the body and affect women as well." Okay, well I have no warmth, swelling or redness or unexpected stiffness, (no jokes now). Apparently, the uric acid that gets into the joints depositing crystals causes the problem and this comes with eating protein rich foods.

My friend Linda is right and other protein rich foods are all foods that I adore! This is clearly not fair! They include tuna, duck, turkey, eggs, crocodile and kangaroo meat, nuts and seeds and tofu (what the hell is tofu?) among others. Not that I've ever had crocodile or kangaroo meat. My research shows Crocodile has a firm-texture, light-coloured meat with a delicate fishy taste, similar to monkfish, that absorbs other flavours well.

For best results Crocodile should be cooked in the same manor as lean pork or chicken and can be prepared using both wet and dry methods of cooking. You can buy it too! On the other hand, Kangaroo meat is tender, very high in protein, low in cholesterol (less than 2% fat) and deep red in color. It can be used in most beef and lamb recipes or served with a light sauce, however because of it leanness care must be taken to avoid overcooking.

The problem is of course that if you try to catch one it will eat you and the other will fight you. I'll stick to lamb burgers.

Vegetarians don't read this - whoops too late!

FIVE Spelling mistakes today - keyboard must be faulty.

Chat soon

Ta-ra