Diet Started... Day three and not hallucinating yet!

The late, great Harry Secombe said, "My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just don't swallow it."

I started my diet on Monday and the planning for my other half to join in starts soon and we will also get a grip of better planning for meals and shopping around our dietary needs. The shocking realisation was that I might have to lose nearly half my weight over a period of about two years! Hell fire - it looks worse when i write it down. But I am absolutely determined.

Buying the right food can be a little more expensive I guess which is why I always think it's a bit of a dilemma if you are not particularly well off and need to diet. After all, I can't use the tins of tuna in the back of the cupboard that have a 'sell by' date of June 2006, nor can the soft squelchy bit of cucumber end in cellophane at the bottom of the fridge be of any real use. The carrots bend like fingers and the celery is now yellow instead of green. The brown Cos lettuce has bred with the furry tomatoes and produced something that snaps at me every time I put my hand in the fridge.

I think I'll start an on line petition on the 'Number 10' web site for tax relief for slimmers.

Let's see: taking into account inflation, cost of living, embarrassment compensation, tax saved on not having NHS treatment for mass liposuction, new clothing allowance, rabbit food allowance, buying new recipe books allowance, allowance for time spent responding in kind to people who say they think you look ill when you've lost a few pounds, denial of crisps and chocolate allowance - I think the Government owes me money for losing weight and with a hell of a lot of weight to lose - I could be rich!

One - two - three - snap! I'm back in the room! Time for a reality check. Will someone tell me what the hell is poly-unsaturated fat? No don't. I think I'd rather be ignorant and stick with low fat, sensible, moderate eating based on an old Weightwatchers diet book we found in a cupboard from a few years ago. My friends have been very helpful with their hints, all of which contradict each other.

We're off and I'll keep you posted as I only want to weigh myself once a month. My first weighing on the day I started my diet resulted in a zero weight loss. (Ha! I'm not telling you how much I weigh - it's a national secret.)

"Self delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales."
Paul Sweeney

Chat soon

Ta-ra