Hello dear blogger, I hope this Sunday finds you well. I thought it was time for a giggle today to lighten the mood a little. Thanks to Ged for some of these bits of philosophy and stories, and good luck to fellow blogger and friend Middle-aged-gapper who is running his 10k race today in Beverley, East Yorkshire.
The hall is booked; the orchestra's engaged; it's time to exercise those chuckle muscles...
I saw in the papers this morning that a dwarf had had been a victim of pick-pocketing. How could anyone stoop so low?
A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that she caught him playing at doctors and nurses with her eight year old daughter, Mary. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them, they're bound to be curious about sex at this age."
"Curious about sex?" Mary's mother replied, "He's taken her appendix out!"
I've sure grown old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes as well as being half blind. I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine and I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I occasionally have bouts with dementia and have such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 89 or 98 and all my friends are dead.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's licence.
A priest was driving into town and got stopped for speeding. The officer smelt alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The officer said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He 's done it again!"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrived to give him a partial bed bath.
"Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
Exhausted, he struggled to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers. She carefully examined his testicles, lifting and moving them around. Eventually she said, "There's nothing wrong with them."
With some effort, the patient pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Men & Women
The difference between men and women (not the biological difference necessarily) are some of my favourite opportunities for humour:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, ilnesses and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask her for sex, she objects."